Thank You

I wanted to take this time as I’m waiting for a friend to meet me for lunch to reflect on how fortunate I am to have so many good people in my life.  I never was one to easily make friends but it seems as I have grown that it has become easier.  I’m still not really outgoing when it comes to first impressions but I am when it comes to friends, or at least hope I am.  In truth I feel I could do more, but for some reason I don’t, and we still remain friends.  When I first started my Druid path, the first people to hear about it from me were my friends.  I wanted to hear what they had to say because as most teenagers are concerned, acceptance is everything and I am no exception.  I happily found that my friends would support me in my path and that is all I could ever ask for.

While this is a comforting realization, it’s not the reason I’m writing this post.  The real reason is I wanted to thank someone who has truly helped me in my journey even though we have never met.  When I was first searching for answers to my many question about Druidry I found a blog that was everything I needed.  That blog was The Druid’s Garden by Willowcrow.  Here was someone who has years of experience in the Druid path and has gone through training in multiple Orders.  She didn’t need to write this blog and to me, if someone is willing to write about their life for anyone to judge on the internet, it shows extreme commitment to her faith.  I wanted to thank Willowcrow for sharing her life experiences with the world.  While you didn’t know and simply used the blog as a way to catalog your experiences though your third year degree for your Order, you have helped me a lot through my journey.  I have loved reading and learning from your blog but I also recognized something in myself through your blog.  Your blog helped strengthen my beliefs at a time when I was struggling, so what if I did the same?  The reason I made this blog is because I was alone in my faith and was missing the connection that came from being in a well known and practiced religion.  Yet when setting it up I realized that this wasn’t the case.  I wanted to help those like me.  Those who felt swept away in a sea of uncertainty as to whether what they were doing was right.  I wanted to give people the certainty in their choices that you gave me when reading your blog.  I never wanted people to follow the blog or even like the posts.  None of that mattered.  This blog could fall into the oblivion that is the internet and I wouldn’t care because all it would take is one person who is searching for answers to find it.  If I could help even one person, my goal would be complete.  So there you go.  I thank you Willowcrow for your commitment to both your blog and your faith and wish you the best.

Things Forgotten

Sometimes one wishes to forget the bad things in their life.  Getting rid of the bad is common sense, who would willingly relive pain and sadness?  They may think that it will keep them from moving forward, onto better and brighter things, if they stop to remember the pain.  Others may think that if they forget the bad, it never happen, never existed.  Sadly the second idea is what I have for so long thought, until earlier this week.

It’s true that I’m still very young and the “pain” I talk about can probably just be passed off as petty, but for most of my life, I feel it has held me back.  I think the best place to start would be earlier this week.  As I said in my last post, I would be taking a small trip just to relax and get away from the city life that I had become accustom too.  We went to this lake that we have been going to for years now, since I was born to be exact, and it has always made me feel great when I spent time there.  This time though, it made me angry at myself.  We were going out to dinner at a restaurant completely foreign to us.  On the way there we passed by this strip mall that seemed familiar.  My sister, who is only a few years younger than me, told me that it was the mall that we visited when our uncle wanted to take us out.  We would play skeeball and bumper cars there and then go out for ice cream.  I didn’t react visually to her and appeared to have quietly accepted the explanation, but I was shaken.  I couldn’t understand why I had forgotten that memory and was even more alarmed that after she explained, I remember how much fun I had there with my older cousin and uncle.  I was confused and a little sad that I had forgotten such a fond memory.  This happened two more times during our evening out and when we finally got back to the house, I wanted nothing more than to sit and think about this.  Sure enough, I got my answer some time later.

Growing up I wasn’t the nicest kid.  Actually, I was bully to most people and looking at me now, you probably wouldn’t believe me.  During most of my time in grade school, I don’t think I could count anyone in my class as a friend.  No one, not one.  It wasn’t until about eighth grade where I actually had friends but they became distanced rather fast since we were going to different high schools.  Actually, I think I became more distant because I thought I didn’t deserve those friends.  In my first year of high school I looked back at my time in grade school with disgust and hate.  I hated what I was and what I did.  All the things that I did wrong were the only memories I could recall.  When I realized that, I decided that I would forget the past and live my life as something to be proud of.  Thus began the four year game of forced amnesia.  I wanted nothing to do with “past me,” and was bound and determined to forget every name and action.

This worked for the most part that first year.  I lived the way I wanted to and made friends by those actions, but I felt something was wrong.  Sure enough my first reality check came in the form of a friend from grade school, one of my four that I had come to know by eighth grade.  She wanted to go to the grade school fair to say hello to all the people she knew.  I of course wanted no part in this, but she was persistent and eventually she had me walking with her to the fair.  I let her lead me though the various crowds for fair-goers and eventually we stopped in front of a small girl the same age as us that I recognized.  Sadly she recognized me because as soon as my friend introduced me I could see the anger on her face.  I was shocked which was stupid because as I said, I wasn’t exactly nice to people.  Still This was when I first realized that I can’t forget the past because I hurt to many people to pretend the pain wasn’t still there.  After they were done talking my friend said goodbye and started walking to find someone new but I wasn’t ready.  I went up to the person who looked at me with so much visible hate and hugged her.  I told her as I was hugging her that I was sorry for everything I said and apologized for not being able to see how much it hurt her.  It took her a while but she eventually hugged back.  We went to the fair for the next  four years and each year there was someone new to apologize too.

This realization helped me considerably because if we want to move forward, we must look back.  We must look back and remember that trail, which we have made behind us, is the trail that we walk.  There is no other trail, simply the one that comes from the past and leads us to our future.  It has been four years now since that first realization and even now I am still getting memories back.  Slowly but surely my friends and family are reminding me that my past wasn’t all bad, there were happy memories mixed in.  So I can’t forget now, I have to accept the person and be ready to say, ” yes that was me, but this is me now.”

Let’s Start at the Beginning…

Hello there, my name is Al.  Yes odd to actually give a real name but why not?  Anyways, this first post is simply to give you an idea of where I am and where I am going.  To start, I’ll say that I have known of Druidry for about three years now and have practiced for about two.  I have had no formal training, so in a sense, completely self taught.  During my time I have struggled with understanding who I am and where I’m going.

Living in a Christian family I found that I had no connection to the religion some years back.  I really don’t know why, it just never…clicked.  Both my sides of my family, mother and father, are very into their religion and it works for them.  I just couldn’t find that feeling there.  You know the one I’m talking about, even if you can’t describe it.  It’s that anchor in your life.  No matter how shitty things get, you turn to it for guidance and comfort.  I could never do that.  It always felt weird that I would only turn to my religion when I needed to reconnect with myself and the world bigger than me.  It didn’t feel like it had an active role in my life.  After graduating Catholic grade school, big accomplishment there, I decided I would allow myself to find that anchor.  What better time than when starting high school.

High School was a great experience for me, there is no denying that.  Within the first year I decided to try and take an active role in Christianity seeing as it was a catholic high school.  I went to the Eucharistic service almost everyday during free period that first year.  I even joined a prayer group after school where I met many of my friends that I hold dear today.  Basically I refused to give up until I was certain there was no connection and sure enough, there was none.  As second year came around I decided not to kid myself anymore and gave up on trying to connect to Christianity.  The mass going and praying stopped altogether but I kept up with the prayer group after school.  I guess part of me didn’t want my friends to know how I felt till I knew how I felt myself.  Looking back I don’t regret that decision one bit.  To tell them how I felt meant straining a new bond before it can strengthen and grow.  That second year I gave up on finding a connection all together.  But that summer leading to my third year was one of the most interesting times.

Being bored during summer is awful.  Lets not kid ourselves, we have all been there where we feel everything has been seen and done.  That how I was come July, simply bored with the time.  Having been bored, I guess it was only natural to search for something new.  During the time leading to July I had discovered a growing interested in Medical Herbs.  No not drugs but herbs that could stop infection, reduce fevers, sooth achy muscles.  I had looked online for information but found it overwhelming, so i decided to go to the local Borders, before they went out of business.  Once there I quickly located the book I wanted and sat there in the store reading it.  It didn’t take long for my mind to wander and soon found myself starring, quiet intently at a plain white bound book.  The Spine read, “Druidry Handbook.”  I don’t know why I picked that book out but no more than a couple minutes later I was sitting there in the same place reading it.  I read the whole thing there, not stopping once as shoppers walked around me (I was kind of sitting in the middle of the aisle).  That book gave me something that I never knew about.  Something worth looking into and that’s what I did.

I was obsessed with this book, I wanted to know everything about Druidry, the lore, the elements, the exercises, the rituals.  Not only that, I wanted to experience all of this.  I wanted to know what these people knew but I also knew rushing things would only hurt me in the end.  So I waited one year.  I did one year of research about Druidry but never made a move to join.  My family knew of my actions even if they didn’t say anything.  I didn’t want to bring up the fact that I wanted to walk a Druid path but I talked openly about what I was reading.  Then just like any parent dealing with a fantasizing child, they nodded their heads and said, “tell me more!”, with that fake enthusiasm.  Don’t get me wrong I love both my parents deeply, but nothing gets me more ticked off then when someone tries to get you to keep talking about something they are not interested in themselves.  I don’t want social formalities, if your interested, ask, if not, go away.  But now we are off subject in a sense.

That third year was great for me.  I learned so much about the people around me and even more about myself.  It was also the year I first started my work as a Druid.  Yes I know I didn’t have formal training and trust me, it’s awful going through it by yourself.  There is no one to guide you, no one to instruct you.  Every time you feel something is wrong, there is no one there to tell you why.  You have to become both the mentor and the student.  The time I spent doing Ogham card readings, meditations and Grove Ritual Work was great and still is.  Having to figure it out yourself and when you finally feel that connection, just amazing.  It was the first time I had ever felt something like what my family had felt, that anchor.  At this point I told my parents of my actions and they were completely unfazed.  They weren’t mad or anything.  They simply said, “you are searching right now in many ways, this is just one of them.  Your interests have changed and they can change again, but always be open to those new ideas.”  It made me so happy to hear that from them, that they weren’t mad at me for practicing another religion.

I was happy, but I also knew that not everyone in the world is as understanding.  Come my forth and final year at high school, I told my friends of my endeavors.  They were happy for me and glad to see me so comfortable with them.  We talked openly about it and I gave them free range to ask any and all questions.  One of my friends even started to refer to my Ogham cards as trumpets!  That year was great but I still had things to wrap up.  I was feeling confident in myself and what I believed in.  I didn’t go around talking about it freely though.  I only talked to those who asked and never gave more information than asked for.  I hated how some people would try to guide me back to Christianity thinking I was incomplete or unhappy.  At one point I believe my mother tried the same thing, but I was happy with where I was.  That last year, as per tradition within Catholic Schools, we went on a Kiros Retreat.  This is basically a religious retreat for three days two nights to get in touch with your faith.  I was leading a small section of it.  Nothing big just group discussion and a speech on faith.  Oh wait, that’s right, I wasn’t Catholic so this was kinda hard for me.  After about the second day I had my speech which, by the applause afterwords, went very well.  I talked about my family and how i was unsure in my own faith.  This actually made me sick to lie to them.  I didn’t want to but it was the wrong time to bring it up.  The last day though I was given a chance.  We were to share anything we wanted with the sixty attendees.  I got up after it looked like no one wanted to share and said, “I am going to share some interesting news.  I will say it and if no one has a question I will sit back down.  If you want to ask about it later be aware of two things, few things stay secret and the walls have ears.  Now I will apologize for lying to you yesterday, I am actually quite comfortable in my faith.  My faith is Druidry, any questions?”  Sure enough questions were asked and I soon became comfortable talking in front of that group, but I didn’t give more information than was asked of me.  Overall this experience was extremely positive and left me feeling confident in myself again.

Now here we are, the present.  I am currently still a practitioner of Druidry and have no intention of stopping.  I find great connection with nature magic such as stones and herbs and I focus on emotional stability as healing.  I know it’s weird, focusing on the very thing that I struggled with for so long myself but I guess that is why I worked so hard at learning it.  I never want to see someone go through that uncertainty and unhappiness that I went through alone.  I’m off to college come August and will be enjoying myself there for a good four years if not less.  This blog is designed exclusively to talk about what I am doing currently and to keep me motivated through a long project I have coming up.  The project I am undertaking is to gain a better knowledge of the Ogham few.  It will involve meditation, pathworking, and scrying on each few and should take about a year to complete.  When I do finish I will have a better understanding of the Ogham alphabet and hopefully be ready to use them in everyday magic.  Thank you to those who read this post to the end, hopefully I will see you again.